What Is Co-Parenting?
Co-parenting is a collaborative arrangement between parents who plan to share the responsibility of raising their children together. The foundation of any co-parenting relationship is working well together, which involves quality communication and mutual respect.
The Benefits of Co-Parenting for Kids & Their Parents
When couples break up, conflict and emotion are often involved. However, when that couple has children, finding ways to manage these challenges and create a healthy co-parenting plan is important for the children's well-being.
Co-parenting benefits your children in the following ways:
- Maintaining a strong bond with both parents. Children in co-parenting arrangements benefit from continued close relationships with both parents. This can provide them with a sense of security and stability, even amidst parental separation.
- Feeling secure. Children’s self-esteem can improve, and they can more easily adjust to life post-divorce when both parents are cooperative and engage in healthy co-parenting.
- Having consistency. Children benefit from routine and consistency, which they can obtain when co-parents work together.
- Understanding problem solving. Children can benefit from seeing their parents work together, as it helps them learn how to effectively solve problems with others.
- Having a healthy example. Children can see that relationships can remain healthy and strong even when the nature of the relationship changes.
- Maintaining their emotional and mental health. Children can suffer because of parental conflict, but when parents work together, they are more likely to avoid developing issues with stress, anxiety, or depression.
Co-parents can also benefit from working together for the following reasons:
- Reduced stress and conflict. Effective co-parenting can significantly lower levels of stress and conflict between parents, leading to improved mental health and overall well-being.
- Shared responsibilities. Dividing parenting duties allows both parents to enjoy more free time and opportunities to pursue personal interests.
- Increased financial benefits. Sharing childcare costs and expenses can result in significant financial savings for both parents.
- Strengthened relationships with children. Consistent involvement in their children's lives helps parents maintain strong bonds and create lasting memories.
Tips for Co-Parenting After Divorce
Below, we discuss some ways that New York couples manage parenting together following a divorce.
Acknowledge Your Emotions as Well as Your Child’s
It is common for children to act out when their parents are going through a divorce. This may be the result of confusion, anxiety, self-esteem issues, or simply testing the boundaries of the new living arrangement. For parents undergoing an emotional challenge themselves, it may be easy to mismanage and lash out at the child's behavior. However, it is best to take steps to control this reaction.
One of the best ways to do this is by taking stock of one's own emotions, either through counseling or self-care. If possible, conversations with the ex are critical to maintain stable and consistent environments for the child or children.
While it is important to understand how you are feeling about your divorce and co-parenting situation, it is equally important to take time to understand how your child is coping. You should understand what additional support, if any, they may need so you can take steps to help them grieve and move forward.
Set Aside Hurt & Anger
It is important to respect the role that you each have in your kid’s life. For better or worse, you are both parents and important figures to your child, and you will both be a part of your child’s life for years to come.
Respecting each other requires clear and healthy boundaries, communication, and problem-solving skills. Teamwork may be challenging, especially if the marriage does not end well, but it is usually the best way to protect children's health and well-being.
To be a team, you have to let go of old hurts or at least set them aside. It is understandable to experience a range of emotions after a separation or divorce. Resentment, disappointment, and even anger are common. However, allowing these feelings to dictate interactions with your co-parent can create a toxic environment for your child. It's essential to recognize that while your emotions are valid, your child should not suffer because of them.
Improve or Maintain Healthy Communication with One Another
In keeping the focus on your child’s best interest, you should work to make sure you can healthily communicate with your co-parent. You need to keep each other informed about updates from school, health concerns, and other aspects of your child’s life, and you may also need to communicate schedule changes or conflicts.
You can outline how you wish to communicate in your parenting plan (i.e., via email, via text, or using a co-parenting app). However you wish to communicate, you should remember the following communication tips:
- Be mindful of your tone. The way you communicate is as important as the content of your message. Strive for a calm and respectful tone, even when disagreements arise. Avoid sarcasm or accusatory language, as this can escalate tensions.
- Use “I” statements. Express your feelings and thoughts without blaming or criticizing your co-parent. For example, instead of saying, “You never help with their homework,” try, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to help them with homework after the weekend exchange.”
- Make requests. Clearly communicate your needs and expectations. Instead of demanding, use polite and direct language. For instance, say, “I would appreciate it if we could discuss the children’s schedules next week. We are supposed to agree on their extracurriculars and sign-ups are approaching.”
- Engage in active listening. Give your co-parent your full attention when they are speaking. Avoid interrupting and seek to understand their perspective before responding.
- Show restraint. Emotions can run high in co-parenting situations. Take a moment to cool down before responding to a difficult conversation. Consider scheduling a time to discuss the issue when both parties are calm.
- Remember that everything can be documented. Before sending a text or email, remember that these communications can be used as evidence in court.
- Keep conversations centered around your child. You don’t have to discuss things outside of your child if that is challenging.
- Commit to talking consistently. Efficient communication is consistent communication.
- Remember that your children are always listening. Children are more perceptive than you believe and can be affected by how you interact. Be respectful of one another, especially when in front of your child.
- Apologize (when necessary). Admitting mistakes and apologizing can help build trust and repair relationships. A sincere apology can go a long way in fostering a positive co-parenting dynamic.
Remember, You Are a Team
You are in this together, so act like it. While you may have different parenting styles, you can reinforce the fact that you are a team by doing the following:
- Have consistent rules between homes. You can help ease the transition between homes and present yourself as a team by implementing and enforcing the same rules in your homes.
- Enforce similar discipline. Even if you do approach discipline differently, you should continue to enforce punishments. To be specific, if one parent punishes a child for skipping class or being disrespectful to a teacher with no TV for three days and an exchange occurs before the punishment ends, you should still take away TV time at your home.
- Maintain consistency in your child’s schedule. As we mentioned, children benefit from consistency. Try to keep them on the same schedule as it relates to bedtimes, homework time, etc.
Try to Make Transitions Between Homes & Visitation Easier
As we mentioned, having similar schedules, rules, and expectations can help with transitions. Another effective strategy involves allowing children to take certain belongings with them. A favorite stuffed animal, a cherished blanket, or a special book can provide a comforting presence in a new environment. Encouraging the sharing of essential items like clothing or toiletries can also streamline the process.
Talk with & Listen to Your Children
By involving them in the conversation about the changes they will experience, you can alleviate their anxieties and foster a sense of understanding. It is essential to explain the upcoming changes in a clear and age-appropriate manner. This includes discussing the logistics of exchanges, such as where and when they will occur. Additionally, address the concept of split holidays, ensuring your child understands that they will have the opportunity to celebrate with both parents.
Don’t Make Your Kids Spies, Confidantes, or Messengers
It's crucial to remember that children are not mediators or confidants. Involving them in adult conflicts can be harmful and create unnecessary stress. Avoid using your child as a messenger to deliver messages to the other parent. This puts undue pressure on them and can create a sense of loyalty conflict.
Similarly, refrain from sharing adult concerns or complaints with your child. They should not feel responsible for carrying the weight of your relationship issues.
Always Go Back to Your Parenting Plan
One final tip is that when in doubt, refer to your parenting plan. Whether you have a disagreement or a question on your obligations, you can review your parenting plan.
The parenting arrangement should outline how parents will divide parenting time (i.e. physical custody) and who gets to make important decisions concerning healthcare, extracurriculars, education, and religion (i.e. legal custody). Parents can also include provisions that can better help them work together, like communication terms for when a child is at the other party’s house or rules concerning discipline.
Reach Out to Arnel Law Firm for Counsel
Whether you need help establishing custody orders or have questions about modifying your current co-parenting arrangement, our attorneys are here to help. We offer comprehensive, personalized counsel and have decades of experience helping our clients navigate their cases.
You can schedule a case consultation by calling (718) 550-3024.
